A Labor of Love
Photo by Holly Mandarich on Unsplash
Seeing my father bed-ridden in the hospital left my heart heavy and aching. I longed for the father who reverberates deep belly laughter and who ignites a room full of people with his jovial personality, realizing I was facing the beginning of my new reality.
Our roles evolve as we progress through life--from piloting our imaginary childhood planes to taking tests in the classroom and eventually to working a full time job as a professional. I found inspiration and motivation in the idea that we could redefine ourselves and acquire certain titles, such as entrepreneur, actor, and educator. However, other titles such as daughter, sister, and friend are simply a part of our identity and stick with us throughout our lives. Only recently did I discover my newest, and possibly most important, title--caregiver.
My dad’s hospitalization last December exposed me to the caregiver role for the very first time, teaching me the delicate task of taking care of someone’s needs and making their daily activities and routine possible. This past October marked my dad’s fifth medical procedure. My dad jokes that he’s half-robot now because of so many joint replacements and transplant surgeries. But no matter how much time I spend bracing myself, watching my beloved parent struggle to perform basic functions like putting on socks leaves an indelible memory. One morning I walked into my dad’s room, and medication overwhelmed the entire bedside table. This was part of his new lifestyle.
Like any new procedure, experience, or skill, there is a learning curve we all undergo. Becoming my father’s caregiver during his recovery has taught me four things to create an overall smooth adjustment.
1. Acknowledgment
This newly developed relationship dynamic requires acknowledgement and acceptance, but initial denial and resistance are completely normal. Both my dad and I have experienced a role reversal. He does not like his loss of independence, nor do I like seeing my hearty dad vulnerable. So, I have learned to embrace the fear and worry because they are feelings that will not fade away anytime soon. With acceptance and teamwork, we discover the best ways for me to assist and support him.
2. Communication
Having the difficult conversations creates a space for honesty, vulnerability, and trust. I felt ill-equipped and afraid when the nurse addressed the outcomes of the surgery with grim terms like advance directives and do-not-resuscitate (DNR). I had a stark realization that I needed to know his funeral wishes and arrangements, if he wanted to be buried or not, and how he wanted to be remembered. The open conversation between my dad and I established agreement, peace, and reassurance in an otherwise uncomfortable and intense situation.
3. Blessing in Disguise
I have realized that my dad’s surgery came at an opportune time. Although my current transitional phase after graduation is discouraging and stressful, my open schedule allows me to be available to my father at all times so I can attend to his needs as a personal chauffeur, assistant, and chef. I appreciate that I can be present during his physical therapy appointments and make sure he completes his exercises. His expressive gratitude prevails against all the chagrin and disappointment I have experienced over my job hunt process.
4. Love in Practice
This journey has taken my emotions on a hypercoaster ride. Grief over the physical pain my father endures. Fear of hurting him in the midst of trying to help him. Resentment over the newfound responsibility I never asked for. Guilt for feeling resentful. Worry over his safety and overall well-being. Patience during a long recovery that includes many slow walks and multiple physical therapy exercises. Love for my father who is my superhero whom I deeply admire for his fortitude, optimism, and compassion.
In all my sentiments, I needed to take time for myself to rest. We are in no condition to be a helping hand to someone else when we ourselves are not feeling 100%. I have found my sanctuary at the gym, especially at dawn when sleep overwhelms the majority. In the early mornings, there are less opportunities for distractions. That one hour of pure adrenaline, sweat, and physical exertion resets my brain and allow me to fall into a state of oblivion. I arrive back feeling refreshed and ready to conquer a new day, especially knowing that I have one thing checked off my to-do list.
How do you navigate through new responsibilities? Tell me in the comments below.